"Their eating bug's at the border crossings!" The Mexican border has exploded with illegal crossings. We've got to shoot the lawbreakers
down at the Mexican border and if our American farmers would just bring their double
barrel shotguns we could do it in half the time." The illegal little tramps were ruining the
country. They arrived by train, bus and
boats crossing the river from Mexico, many of them just walked or swam across
the river with their weak little spindly legs.
Andy was sure he hated them all, he was running out of room and nobody
cared, not even the President. He sat in his office and tried his best not to smoke, but he was losing that battle as he sipped his coffee.
Andy was so damn mad about the
southern border he could spit but his throat was dry and besides, he was
sitting in his office talking to Washington D.C. The dumb bastard he worked for was some kind of political animal and didn't really hear Andy's continued warnings about the Mexican border.
The old wooden office chair held the
Senior Border Control Agent by the name of Andy Ledger who was pretty close in
telling his boss in Washington D.C. to kiss his ass and hang up, but he knew better.
"I've never seen such law
breakers" just about screaming into his office phone like his boss
couldn't hear him.
"This is not innocent smuggling,
they intend to overrun the border and these dangerous little Mexican pests will
be all over the country." Andy
pushed against his desk rolling him and his chair closer to his office window. It was a clear day, blue sky's and some white puffy clouds, his favorite.
"My boy's are out there right now
and I can tell you the smuggling is going to kill the economy and besides that
where do you want to put them?"
Andy rolled back to his desk and opened the center draw and searched for
his pack of cigarettes. Andy wanted to call in the Army to help him with the border because the National Guard had been no help and they couldn't arrest or even kill a bug without written orders from the damn White House.
It was customary or at least routine
for his boss in Washington D.C. just to listen because Andy was not only the
senior agent in Texas he had a lot of pull in Congress. Andy Ledger had been on FOX News more times
than a weatherman talking about the wetback crossing problems at the border. His boss also knew that Andy was right but
the President, in lack of better terms, don't give a damn and could care less
that the border between the United States and Mexico is wide open. "Those creatures, big and small, sink or swim, they arrive by the hundreds." Andy was yelling a bit less now.
"Well just this morning, the
whole damn family, mother, daddy and baby sister was carrying contraband and
not so long ago one of the little girls caught had a damn gun." Andy Ledger was now standing and puffing his
cigarette and quickly filling up his government office with smoke. "We had
one the other day all the way from a place called Porto Rico." "One of those bastard wetback smugglers brought
wee ones in today and came pretty close to getting shot up by one of my
boys."
Andy was not stylish by any means and
over the years he had gained a few pounds but he still looked good in his
uniform. The Border Patrol Badge was
important and his job was very important.
If he didn't stop those Mexican Wetback pests from entering the United
States he hadn't earned his money and he wasn't about to give up as he hung up
with his boss.
Andy had never done anything illegal
in his life but these wetbacks were putting a heavy strain on Texas, his county
and in fact the whole country. He walked
back over to his office window and tossed out his cigarette and watched all the
folks they had already rounded up and processed today. The boys were getting tired of all the
maintaining of records for the catch and release program of the president. They would gather them up, keep them close,
give them water and food if they needed and by damn the next day they kicked
them out.
That one little girl down there,
pretty little thing, just a child, had her doll packed full of fruit as she
came across the border. She had that little doll packed full with all kings of things, it made Andy sad and mad at the same time.
One of Andy's inspectors knocked on
his door so Andy yelled something that sounded like... what the fu.k do you
want.
The door eased open and the inspector
eased in.."One of the monkey's down there wants their sweet potatoes back
Andy." the inspector wasn't smiling
and Andy was in no mood for illegal aliens, monkey's or not, wanting anything
from the United States because by law they were under arrest.
The American taxpayer spends hundreds
of millions of dollars every month to catch the monkeys and now we have to feed
them.
"We got a lot of fruit, plants
and vegetables in storage don't we?"
Andy faced his inspector which he had worked with for over twenty years
now. George was a very good man but he
treated every illegal crossing the border like they were staying at the Hilton
or something.
"Andy we have some yam's and I
don't think Uncle Sam would care if we gave a bushel or two to the
monkeys!" George had a clip board
in his hands and was checking the inventory of foodstuffs in the storage
warehouse.
"Maybe so George." Andy discovered to his surprise that they had
a couple of tons of yams or sweet potatoes on hand so he told George to undress
them and hand them out for lunch. George
knew that Andy meant to peel them or undress them before they were handed out
for lunch.
"Feed the Monkey's George, but
nothing but sweet potatoes. We have to
keep the other stuff for inventory on Friday."
There was a hundred laws about crossing
the border. You had to have forms filled
out in advance, almost get undressed at the line, unload your cargo, they
searched all the bags, checked off every form but those destructive little insects kept
coming.
Andy knew his prisoners would do just
about anything to cross the border with their arms full. Most of them were well meaning but smuggling
is against the law and Andy was the law.
Inspectors and agents are posted at
the border crossing to try and catch them but now they come by the hundreds a
day. Innocent or not Andy had hundreds
and intended to hold them for sneaking in the United States.
The newest group was infested with
something, he's seen larvae and even the pink boll-worm that could kill all the
cotton in Texas. Andy was just told the
other day that Mississippi farms was infested with the problem.
Andy's men had intercepted truck loads
of these Mexican pests and it took one inspector all day to just count the
pests as the truck was unloaded. If it weren't
for Andy's men they would have gotten beyond the border and ended up God knows
where, foot loose and fancy free on the interstates.
These enemies were slipping into the
country and Andy made sure his men and women were armed. You really didn't know when you might have to
kill one or step on one hard. It was
like a God Damn invasion and Washington D.C. didn't care, they just filled out
forms and collected their bonuses. It
was just a few weeks ago that a bunch of them were hiding inside the post
office of all places looking for a free ride.
Some of them have been tunneling in because they dig like a fast
dog.
The mischievous little bastards had to
be stamped out and if Andy had his way he would gas the little creatures. He smiled as he thought about a fumigation
solution but the little white ant's in Washington D.C. would have a fit. A couple of years ago they found a whole
family burrowing in just like some damn termite but nobody listened much to
Andy. It was all politics now so
whatever his men detected they would surely release in a few days. His boss at the Federal Level was from a
family of idiots and was at the center of Andy's problems.
He rolled up a magazine and with the
utmost care killed the fly that had been bothering him all morning. It made him feel better but he also knew that
the pomegranate loving monkeys most likely brought the flies with them.
They were clever little bastards and
at first glance they're all cute but hell now their sending the nursery
stock. If you let one or two get away it
won't be long until you'll have hundreds and then thousands all looking similar
and all hungry. With a very quick
backhand Andy pasted another fly against the wall so flat it was ready for
mailing.
Maybe if he hid all the records like the V.A. Veterans Administration did he
could kill one at a time but that simple stunt was too slow but it would work.
Andy was sure that catch and release
would become a well-known tradition at the border. Everybody talked about building a big net but
they twisted through every national defense and every time Andy turned around
he had another one facing him. The National Guard couldn't stop the illegal crossings. The Border Patrol had little luck and the FBI and the BLM we're just about worthless.
Andy looked at his baggage, getting
ready to leave for the airport for another meeting about the border in Las
Vegas. He wondered if one of the little
bastards were smuggled away in his luggage but determined not to look, what was
the point. The little sneaks don't even pay taxes.
Andy knew he was crude and old
fashioned compared to the new guys but as an expert he could just sniff and
catch one. He picked up his cup of
coffee to tossed in the trash and by God, generously sprinkled inside his cup was
at least a dozen of the little fruit flies, phony little bastards sucking up
the sugar out of his coffee.
Andy would go to the airport, first
class to Las Vegas, the federal government and taxpayer cash covering all his
expenses. It was one of those seminars where you break up in groups and role play something, most likely a waste of time but the food was good.
The sad truth is that Andy could never
stop the illegal plants, fruits and vegetables entering the United States. Bananas
were big carriers like crabs, frogs, scorpions, tarantulas, lizards and even
those damn hungry monkeys. He even
caught a whole truck load of oranges last year and few months ago a bus full of
doughnuts full of fruit flies.
Andy locked his office door, made sure his pistol was secured and noticed
that George was eating a sweet potato, damn him.
Damn you George.
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