Chelsea Clinton has done nothing in life. Hillary Clinton, her mother, has done everything but has not been good at doing anything. Bill Clinton, he's real good at things that people don't talk about. Now the new guy Marc Mezvinsky has Chelsea, well you know, with child. That is a chilling thought. Chelsea, must be about 34 years old, trying her best at T.V. but like her mommy, not good at anything. The Democratic Women Voters will praise Chelsea for getting naked with a guy name Mezvinsky, not sure why, it must be money because his daddy was in jail or prison for something. Since Planned Parenthood, the Girl Scouts and the BLM Bureau of Land Management plan on taking over the world we're confident that baby Chelsea Clinton will have a great life, despite the two criminal grand-fathers.
Hedge fund manager Marc
Mezvinsky, are expecting their first child. Clinton, 34, made the announcement
in the exact same way you would, in a speech she gave together with her mother
at a Lower East Side event promoting the Clinton Foundation’s effort to empower
girls. The baby is due sometime this fall.
Dear Baby Clinton-Mezvinsky:
Welcome to advanced gestation! Since you’re new around here,
I thought you’d like to know a little bit about what makes you so special. The
reason is, you’re going to live your whole life in make-believe!
Do you know the fairy stories about a princess in a castle?
Well, you get to be that real-life prince or princess, in a real-life castle
where Mommy Chelsea is also a princess, Grandma is about to be crowned Queen,
and Grandpa Bill is a retired ex-King with lots of helpful advice on ruling the
kingdom, er, monarchy. (Your other grandma and grandpa were both a kind of court
vassal called Congressmen. Oopsies, other grandpa, Edward Mezvinsky, even went
to something called “prison,” which is kind of like a big, cozy crib! Can you
say “wire fraud”?
Good, you can’t! Don’t! Around here we pretend Grandpa isn’t
a criminal!)
Inside the castle towers you will find that Mommy, Mommy’s
mommy and Mommy’s daddy Bill are all really good at make-believe games. So you
get to pretend all the time! Mommy’s mommy and Mommy’s daddy even pretend to
still be married even though they’ve been living hundreds of miles apart for 14
years!
Before you were even born your mommy’s mommy pretended that
it’s a completely normal thing to announce your own grandchild’s birth to the
world at a joint press appearance with your mom, hosted on Skype and
live-streamed. With America Ferrera!
Although you will at all times pretend to be a normal baby,
you actually already have your very own career, like doctor or fireman or
lobbyist! Can you say “Campaign Asset”? Good, now let’s learn about skill sets!
You only need one talent. Ready? It’s “Soften the Candidate”! Sort of like
human bubble bath.
Now, even though you have a busy life, sleeping 18 hours a
day, nursing and learning to roll over, all of this comes second to being a
stage prop to the grandma they call “Hillary” or “Madame President” or “Lady
Pantsuit.” When big, scary men with huge, glowing boxes on their shoulders come
around, don’t be afraid! They’re only here to shine blinding lights into your
widdle eyes.
Kind of like a dozen suns shining at the same time! Just think of
them as the Sunshine Men. They will be accompanied by nice pretend journalists
who are actually castle-outreach people named Katie or Oprah or Diane, whose
job it is to make you and Grandma look good, so don’t cry so much, and only on
cue! (Example: When Grandma Hillary says, “That ol’ John Boehner sure gets
upset when he doesn’t get what he wants,” start wailing!)
There are a few special little things you need to know
about. For instance, if you are a girl, mean people will mail you blue Gap
dresses. You don’t need to worry about where they came from, because the
castle’s shining knights will go after them. These knights work for a castle
security program called the IRS. Those blue Gap dresses are a reference to
something unfortunate that happened a long, long time ago that we all pretend
didn’t happen and anyway was all the fault of barbarians and trolls living
outside the castle. We call these twisted creatures Republicans.
In two years or so, when most babies are just learning to
crawl, you will be hitting the road! Grandma Hillary is going to need you to
smile and coo whenever there are Sunshine Men around. So play nice and don’t
projectile vomit. Grandma is not what grown-ups call “maternal,” and was busy
turning $1,000 into $100,000 in the magical cow trading market when your mommy
was a baby, so she will have to make believe she is really “helping out” with
you. No crying if she gets the diaper on the wrong end!
When you’re a teenager, you may start getting strange
invitations from Grandpa Bill. Don’t be surprised if he asks you to invite all
of your girl friends and their bikinis over to his house for a pool party.
Grandpa Bill loves young people, especially young female people frolicking in
the sunshine!
The best part of your make-believe Clinton-Mezvinsky life is
that people will pretend you’re good at things and give you gifts like
high-paying consultancy gigs when you just got out of college, jobs reporting
for NBC News when you have as much camera-awareness as a smoked flounder, and
the leadership of the free world because you “deserve it.” Learn to accept
everything as your due, baby Clinton-Mezvinsky, and maybe Mommy and you will be
the third and fourth Clintons to rule the kingdom!
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